Black Friday

Now Black Friday has always been phantom in my mind. I’ve seen pictures, heard stories, but have never been ‘privileged’ enough to encounter this historically ridiculous event. That was, up until this year. This was the first year I did not have to work on this day of all shopping days, so my mom and I decided to venture forth and pillage for ourselves.

Now contrary to popular belief, the stores do not become less crowded once ‘door buster’ deals have expired. This was mistake number one. Thinking maybe that if we hit the mall after 11:00 we would beat much of the rush and avoid many annoying crowds is completely false. Unfortunately, we were not the only ones with this idea. There is simply a new wave of idiots that inhabit the retail stores at this time.

I’ll try to keep my summary brief, but I want to let you in a few stand out stories from today, as I would like to jump right into my Guidelines of Shopping on Black Friday. Driving into the mall it takes about 15 minutes to even find a parking spot. I wasn’t even trying to attain a close one. Once in the mall, there is an abundance of body odor, visions of people that rarely, if ever, goes out in public. They reminded me of the creatures that live at the bottom of the ocean that are only seen with high tech cameras that, thank the lord, are not generally researched and left as a mystery. Well, mystery no more. They were all out. Also, in the streamline of people in general, if you work at a retail store, one piece of advice: Black Friday comes every year. I don’t care if you are crabby, hung over, or whatever excuse you may have. It is your job to smile, help, and be nice. If you can’t handle it, don’t do it.

My second of three, minor, uninteresting stories is of my long lost friend at Pac Sun. As my mom and I walk in, one of their designated ‘greeters’ gives us this wide-eyed excited look and exclaimed, “No way…. Dude!” Yep, that is what he said. Now, I turn around thinking who the hell is he talking to, but with a shirt rack behind me I realize it’s me. As I walk forward he continues with “I haven’t seen you since graduation…wow, how are you….. Wait, OH MY GOD.. I’m sorry, I don’t know you.” Well thank you genius I figured that out when I looked at you and the word ‘stranger’ came to mind. So, as if this is not embarrassing enough for him or me, he goes on to shout to other coworkers in the store… “Hey, see that girl… I totally thought she was someone I went to school with, looks just like her… but its not.” Again, thank you, now everyone knows that you don’t really know me. Wow, you are good. So my mom and I browse for a few short minutes, however, trying to hold in my laughter at the sheer idiocy of the situation, we begin to walk out and I end with my own comment of “well hey, it was nice seeing you again…graduation seemed so long ago.”

My last of three stories is most definitely the most disgusting. Now, I’m not a fan of public restrooms, especially on days like today, but nature calls and one may need to go. I fortunately, was not one of those people! J My mom on the other hand, was. It was warm walking around in a long sleeve shirt and sweatshirt so I opted for a cheap tank top at The Gap that I could change into in the bathroom. As we walk in, thankfully, there was not a long line...and then I realized why. I walk into the next available stall. I walk through a sopping wet floor with a very distinct smell. Shit, yes, you read that correctly, shit. The poor janitor was in the ladies room mopping up shit. And no, not little baby diaper shit either. It was like 300lb lady with diarrhea shit. Trying to breath through my mouth as to not smell this, I realize it didn’t matter, I would taste it. Ugh. So I popped in a mint, changed my shirt, and ran. After this awful experience I decided it was time to leave. Black Friday was a horrible idea, and needless to say, I will never shop on this day again.

Now to leave you all with a few guidelines if you opt to brave the crazies next year:

1. As I’ve already mentioned, getting there after door busters do not help. Your best bet is to put on some shoulder pads, get there early, throw some elbows and get the best deals you can.
2. If you are shopping with friends or family and you are both buying something at the same store – either a) check out together and figure it out later or b) when one of you is done and waiting for the other… go wait outside the entrance. Its busy enough without your fat ass and large bags taking up a whole isle in the store.
3. When walking in a crowded area, i.e.: the entire mall, just because you say ‘excuse me’ that doesn’t give you the right to push your way through everyone. I’m stuck too dammit, and if anyone is tripping the old lady to get to the head of line, it’s going to be me.
4. If you are the unlucky, or lucky, however you want to look at it, person to be watching everyone else’s kids, do NOT bring them all to the mall. Obviously their parents left them at home for a reason. And if it is completely imperative that you make it shopping, just remember, it’s November. That means it is not warm out. Just lock the little hellions in your big conversion van with the Bush/Cheney and abortion kills bumper stickers (because lord knows your kids aren’t on the honor roll and you are too lazy to be a soccer mom), crack a window and every few hours when you step outside to lock your bags in your vehicle, toss them some fruit snacks and a juice box. They will be fine.
5. And my last tip, if you have made it through reading this whole thing (and thank you if you did), don’t go shopping on Black Friday. You do not want to be the lady on the front of the paper that took the shopping cart from Target, pushed it all through to the other end of the mall, only to use it to break the cane of the poor old guy who walks with a limp, whose wife forced him to come with her. It isn’t his fault. Have pity for those men who don’t have enough balls to say ‘honey, all I really want for Christmas is for you to jump on that treadmill and give me my old hot wife back on Christmas day.” Because, without those passive, weak men in the world, we would be writing quite a few more letters to Resolve saying how wonderfully it got that stubborn blood stain out of the carpet.